


Akko's New Familiar

by Pheromone_Poisoning



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-02-26 03:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13227273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pheromone_Poisoning/pseuds/Pheromone_Poisoning
Summary: Akko causes a magical accident, leaving you, the reader, in an... altered state. It'll take a week to turn you back to normal; can you survive at Luna Nova until then?





	1. Last Wednesday, This Monday

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for checking out my fanfic. I realize reader-insert isn't a super popular genre, but I'm trying some new things that'll hopefully make for a smoother reading experience. As usual, I used gender-neutral pronouns, so your/the protagonist's gender is up to you. Feedback and constructive criticism are welcome. Enjoy!

You were sitting behind the register at the Last Wednesday magic shop in Blytonbury, carefully alphabetizing the shrunken heads and dragon teeth, when you heard the bell ring over the door. A customer had come in.

"Yo, newbie!" the proprietor cried from the backroom. "You mind getting that for me? I got a real mess to clean up back here—it's probably gonna be about an hour, maybe two."

You could hear the sounds of a mighty struggle coming from the back: clanging swords and monstrous roars and tearing flesh. It sounded like _Dark Souls_. Every now and again you could also hear the proprietor digging through a bag of chips or slurping down a soda. You let out a long sigh. It wasn't the best job in the world, but you needed the cash, and that money tree seed the proprietor kept under lock and enchanted key was far beyond your financial range. "You got it, bossman," you called back.

Every afternoon at Last Wednesday was more or less the same: right around three o'clock, the students of Luna Nova Magical Academy would come in to shop for school supplies, and it was up to you to direct them to whatever they needed. You were still pretty fresh—a newbie, as the bossman called you almost exclusively—but you'd been there long enough to remember some of their names and faces, and vice versa.

Sometimes, Diana Cavendish came in. That was when you had to be on your best behavior. She'd march right up to the register and say something like, "I need a pound of Laotian hippocampus tongue—sliced thin, please," and you'd say, "Yes, Miss Cavendish, right away, Miss Cavendish," and hustle to ready her her order.

Diana was a generous tipper, provided you didn't keep her waiting too long and were careful not to make eye contact.

Other times, you'd see Amanda O'Neill. "Hey buddy," she'd say, flashing your her crookedest grin. "I've got my eye on that nice umdhlebi fruit back there. Think you can hook a girl up?"

You'd cross your arms and grin right back and say, "Sorry, Amanda, no can do. Not unless I see some coin."

"Come ooooon! I thought you were cool!" she'd protest. "You know I'm good for it, right?" And you'd haggle playfully for a moment or two before she finally caved, tossed you a ball of wadded-up bills, and you tossed her the fruit (or whatever). Then she'd buzz off for the next week or so, when you'd do it all over again.

And then there were the times Sucy Manbavaran came in. That was when you had to bust out the tongs and fetch something from the back that the proprietor called _the real shit_. It came in a black metal box, special-ordered from God-knows-where, though you could hardly see the black under the dozens of bright orange biohazard labels plastered all over it. One time, you could've sworn you heard the thing growl. The only thing creepier was the look of ecstasy on Sucy's face when you put it in front of her.

But at least Sucy was a quiet customer. In and out, that was her. All business, no nonsense. She never tripped or cried or made a scene or smeared her fingerprints on every item in the store, breaking half of them in the process. Nope, as uncomfortable as Sucy made you, at least she was nothing like—

"Heyooooo!" said Atsuko Kagari, who'd just come bounding into the place.

"Er, good afternoon, Akko," you said as you hurried to take the heads and teeth and other hoodoo off the counter before Akko could grab it. The last time she got her mitts on that stuff, she managed to summon a rampaging bandersnatch that devoured several of the store's hottest sellers, and of course, the boss took it out of your pittance of a salary. You still hadn't finished paying him off. "What brings you in today?"

"Oh, y'know, just looking aro—Whoa!"

_Thunk_.

Akko usually tripped over her own feet at least once per visit—it was practically her custom—but this time she'd managed to bash her face pretty hard on the edge of the counter. The sound of it made you wince a little. You grabbed the first aid kit from underneath the register and hurried over to check on her.

You found her cross-legged on the floor, her hands clasped tight over her nose and mouth. There was a red trickle between her fingers. She looked like she was about to cry. "Owwwiiie!" she squeaked.

"It's those pointy boots that school of yours makes you wear," you said, crouching down beside her. "If I had to walk around in those, I'd probably have trouble keeping my balance too. Hey, c'mon, let me take a look at that."

Akko took her hands off. "Well? Is it bad?"

It certainly wasn't good. "Uh, you might wanna put some pressure on that. Here." You opened up the first aid kit and tried to give Akko a packet of gauze, but she pushed your hand away.

"Pfft, I don't need that!" Akko said. Although the blood had reached her chin and showed no signs of stopping, there was a twinkle in her eye. "After all, who needs first aid when you have magic, right?"

"Um."

"It's no biggie!" she assured you. "I learned this in Professor Finneran's class. Check it out." She hopped to her feet, unsheathed her magic wand, and pointed it directly at her face.

"Akko, I really don't think you should be doing that," you said, but your words fell on deaf ears. Akko took a great big breath and said as loudly as she could:

"Scrylla yera retoure!"

At once, there was a crackle in the air that made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. The tip of Akko's wand released a generous puff of glittering green smoke, enough to engulf her entire head. You watched this as you crouched behind the register, where your self-preservation instinct had sent you running the moment Akko opened her mouth.

"Tuh-duh!" Akko shouted happily. "Prublim sulved!"

Gradually, the smoke dissipated and you got a clear look at Akko's face—and more specifically, at the thing that was now sitting in the center of it. You tried to stifle a laugh but failed spectacularly.

"Whut?" Akko asked, looking at you with innocent eyes. "Whut's suh funny?"

"Oh, nothing!" you managed to say, still snickering behind your fingertips. "You may want to look in a mirror, though!"

Akko touched the tip of her nose (or rather, the place where the tip of her nose used to be) and gasped sharply. She then scrambled to Last Wednesday's nearest enchanted mirror, put her face about an inch from the glass, and let out such a horrified screech that you feared it would shatter. "Whut _is_ that?" she cried as she poked at the bulbous protrusion that hung from her face like a plump, juicy pear.

"Nice schnoz, butterface!" said her reflection in the enchanted mirror. You rolled your eyes and draped a cloth over it.

"I believe it's the nose of a proboscis monkey, Akko," you said.

"That's not supposed tuh happin!" said a frustrated Akko. "Hey... yuh got anythin' in here that'll take care of this little prublim?"

Suddenly, you heard the proprietor in the backroom let out a triumphant holler. It sounded like he'd just fought particularly tough boss and really kicked its butt. "Er, I bet the bossman knows just what you need," you said. "Hang on, I'll go get him."

As soon as you turned around, Akko grabbed a fistful of your t-shirt and yanked you right back. "Nuh! You can't!" she begged. "I can't let anyone else see me like this! Isn't there sumthin' around here I can use?"

"I'm still a newbie here, Akko. I don't really know my way around the magic business yet," you said. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, though—I'm sure the manager's seen crazier mishaps than this."

But naturally, Akko had stopped listening. Instead, she'd fixed her eyes on something behind you. "Hey, whut's that?" she asked, pointing over your shoulder.

On a shelf in the back wall, among various other magical doodads and knickknacks, there was a jar filled with a glowing purple potion. You nearly slapped your forehead. "Oh, right," you said. "That's, like, concentrated jackalope tears or something. It's supposed to cure magical ailments."

Akko snapped her fingers. "That's perfect!" she exclaimed. "Gimme sum of that, please!"

You opened your mouth to argue, but then you thought better of it. Once Akko had made up her mind about something, it was almost impossible to change it. "If you insist," you said. You grabbed the jar off the shelf and examined its label. "That'll be... oh, dear."

Akko sidled up to you and peeked over your shoulder. Her eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. "Are you crazy?" she cried. "I dun't haff that kind of money!"

"It... _is_ a little pricey, isn't it?"

"You gotta gimme a discount!" she said. "Pleaaase?"

"I can't do that! I am but a cog in the capitalist machine, Akko," you protested. "If I let you walk out of here without paying full price, I'll be fired for sure!"

Akko's eyes were turning red and puffy. She let out a sniffle that, coming out of her pendulous monkey nose, sounded kind of like a vuvuzela. "B-But I thought we were frieeends!"

You shut your eyes tight and pinched the bridge of your nose, trying to think of a painless solution for the both of you. Akko was quite the troublesome customer, but she meant no harm, and you didn't like seeing her so upset. "Okay, look," you said, "what if I open up a tab for you, huh?"

Akko sniffled again, just as loudly as before. "A tab?"

"Yeah, a tab. That means you take the potion home today and pay for it later. But you do need to pay, capisce?" you added with a wink.

"Omigosh thank you _sooooo_ mush!" Unable to contain her excitement, Akko leapt toward you with her arms open wide and a big goofy grin on her face. She was going in for the glomp, an awkward situation at the best of times, let alone when you're holding a fragile glass container full of magical purple liquid.

"NOWAITLETMEPUTTHISDOWNFIRS—"

But you never had a chance. Before you knew it, you were flat on your back on the hard marble floor. The back of your skull ached something fierce and Akko was lying on top of you, squeezing the breath clean out of your lungs. The last thing you saw before the explosion was the jar of potion flying through the air and beginning to fall, with agonizing slowness, directly on your face.

  
  


When the smoke had cleared out, Akko sprang to her feet and started touching her face. She smiled and let out a sigh of relief. "Hey... that potion of yours really worked!" she exclaimed. "Look—no more monkey nose!"

"Looking sharp, Akko," you meowed.

Your statement was addressed to Akko's shins. You used to be taller than her, but suddenly things had taken a radical turn in her favor.

She dropped to her hands and knees for a better look, an expression of astonishment and horror on her face. You weren't just shorter, you were _furrier_. Your ears had migrated to the top of your head and taken on a triangular shape, and you now had a long, fluffy tail that seemed to swish around by itself. The long and short of it was that you were a cat. The magic potion had turned you into a cat.

And you didn't like it one bit.

"I gotta be honest with you, Akko," you said. "I'm feeling a tiny bit miffed right now."

"Gah! I'm so sorry!" said Akko, her cheeks rapidly turning the color of ripe tomatoes. "Don't sweat it, though. I can fix this! Just sit still, okay?" She took out her magic wand and pointed it right at your kitty nose. "Metamorphie fa—"

You did not sit still. The eons of feline instict to which you suddenly had access kicked in right away, and you found yourself leaping straight up and batting Akko's hand away with your paw. "Yeah, no, we're not doing that," you said.

Akko let out a beleaguered sigh, stared at the tips of her boots, and started to pout. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I'm really, really sorry. You must be so upset at me."

You felt a monster of a migraine coming on and tried rubbing your temples, but quickly realized you didn't have fingers. You then realized you needed all four limbs to maintain your balance and promptly fell flat on your face. "Hmm trngh nurt turr, Hkk."

Akko blinked at you rapidly. "Er, come again?

"I _said,_ I'm trying not to. I know this was an accident, so I'm _not_ going to scratch your face off. But I'm not spending the rest of my days as a small domestic mammal, either. Take me to Headmistress Holbrooke—she'll know how to turn me back to normal," you said.

"Are you crazy?" cried Akko. "I have too many marks on my record already! If Headmistress Holbrooke finds out I messed up again, she'll kick me out of Luna Nova for good!"

"That doesn't sound so bad to me," you said. Akko puffed her cheeks out at you and poked you in the chest with the tip of her boot. "Ouch! Okay, okay, so telling the headmistress isn't an option. But we've got to do _something._ I'm starting to feel a serious urge to lick my crotch and I'm not super comfortable with that."

"Y-Yeah, don't do that," Akko said as she stroked her chin. Suddenly, she let out a little squeak, stood at attention, and said in an unusually loud voice: "Hello, sir! This employee of yours was just providing me with the excellent customer service Last Wednesday is famous for! Ahahaha!"

You turned around, although you didn't need to. The proprietor had finally trundled out of the backroom. He was standing in the middle of the shop, his orange-stained fingers frozen halfway to his mouth, staring at you and Akko with eyes the size of dinner plates.

"Hiya, bossman," you said, putting on a coy little grin. "We, uh, had a little workplace accident."

"It was my fault, sir!" Akko said, bowing deep and low. "I promise I'll pay for the potion I spilled! O-One of these days, at any rate."

The bossman said nothing. He stood as still as a statue, staring at you with a dumbfounded expression on his face. You and Akko glanced uncomfortably at one another. You gulped hard.

"Wouldn't you know it, boss, I'm feeling a little under the weather all of a sudden," you mewled. "Mind if I take an early leave?"

The proprietor finally snapped out of his stupor. He scratched his chin, leaving dusty orange streaks in his goatee. "Yeah, you're looking a little... green around the gills," he said. "But, uh, I kinda need you here till six..."

  
  


Needless to say, it was the longest shift of your life.


	2. Back to School

When you walked out of your workplace that evening, carrying a rolled-up sheet of paper in your mouth, you found Akko waiting for you. She was sitting on the sidewalk with her back against the wall and her head lolling on her shoulder. She was snoring softly, and there was a string of saliva dripping down her chin.

You cleared your throat loudly. Except you couldn't do that anymore, so you purred instead. Akko was totally nonplussed. "Of course, Chariot," she muttered dreamily. "I'd looove to go to your ice cream social."

You spat out the paper and nudged her arm gently with your paw. "Psst! Hey, Akko!" you said.

The moment you touched her, she jolted awake and started flailing her arms around, dealing you a vicious backhand in the process. "Whaaa! I'm awake!" she cried.

"So I see," you muttered, your face planted firmly in the pavement.

"Oops! S-Sorry about that!" said Akko, her cheeks turning a fierce pink. She stood up and helped you to your feet. "I thought I'd fallen asleep in class again. Ha ha ha!"

"Tsk, tsk. That's a terrible habit," you grumbled. That smack across the face left you seeing circling birds; they made you a little bit hungry, but you tried not to think about that. "What are you still doing here, anyway?"

"W-Well, I couldn't leave you out here all alone, could I? Especially not in that state," she said, cross-armed. "It gets chilly at night, and there are stray dogs. How would you even get home?"

You had to admit, it warmed your heart to see Akko so concerned about you, but you weren't ready to let her off the hook just yet. "Thanks, Akko, but there's no way I'm going home like this. You have to take me to a doctor."

Akko scratched the top of her head. "Witch doctor?"

"I don't care. Any doctor will do. Just as long as they're not a vet—I'm not looking to get spayed and/or neutered today, thank you."

"I've got a better idea!" said Akko. She slung her book bag off her shoulder, unfastened it, and presented it to you. "Hop in!"

You crinkled your feline nose at the thing. "What, are you kidding?" you said. "I'm not getting in that thing. I'm a cat, not a Chihuahua."

"Aw, c'mon!" Akko pleaded, grinning broadly. "It'll be cute!"

"No. No way. I'm not 'cute.' I'm a butter-smooth operator who takes no guff," you said, casually licking your paw.

Akko smirked and rolled her eyes at you. "Whatever you say, Mittens. Let's go."

"Hang on. First, you gotta help me put up this flier," you said, gesturing toward the rolled-up paper. "I'd do it myself, of course, but I'm a little lacking in the opposable thumbs department."

"Oh! No problem!" Akko said cheerfully. She scooped up the flier, unrolled it, tore off the plastic film and stuck it forcefully on the storefront. At once, her smile disappeared.

The flier was a black-and-white picture of her, taken by the magic shop's security camera. Her proboscis monkey nose was on display for all to see. Beneath the picture, the phrase "DO NOT SERVE" was printed in large, unfriendly-looking letters.

You padded up to her. "Tell you what," you purred. "As soon as I'm human again, I'll talk to the bossman about taking it down. But we've gotta hustle—there are a _lot_ of fragile knickknacks in that shop and I'm in a mean mood to push 'em all off their shelves."

Akko let out a giggle. "Right!" she said. "Follow me!"

  
  


You and Akko walked down the street for what seemed like an eternity. Then, you turned onto a dirt road and walked even more. The sun had almost sunk behind the trees by the time you spotted the spires of Luna Nova looming in the distance.

Akko yakked your ear off as you walked. She told you all about her adventures at the magical academy. Shiny Chariot this, Enchanted Parade that, Seven Words something-or-other, _Night Fall_ , Fafnir, Greenman's disease... it sounded like quite a yarn, but you could barely manage the occasional "Uh-huh" or "You don't say." You had more pressing issues on your mind, after all.

"Right, so," you said, "walk me through this plan of yours one more time. How are we going to turn me back to normal?"

Akko sighed. "Aw, not this again! I told you, it's in the bag."

"Hey, gimme a break here! It's pretty hard to retain information in this kitty brain of mine," you said. "Just one more time—I promise."

"Well," Akko said, "it was a potion that turned you into a cat, right? So all we've gotta do is take you to the best potion brewer I know!"

You blinked. "That's it? There's no step two?"

Akko looked at you and smiled warmly. To your utter dismay, she leaned down and ruffled your fur. "Why don't you just trust me already, huh?" she said with a wink.

"Where to begin!" you cried.

Suddenly, there was a _whoosh_. A young witch, riding her broomstick, had just zipped by overhead. You had just entered the school's courtyard; all around you, girls in white and blue uniforms were milling about on the grass, chatting and laughing, practicing flying and potions and spells and all sorts of other little miracles. High above you, in Luna Nova's tallest tower, you caught a glint of the sorcerer's stone.

"So this is where you go to school, huh?" you said as you took in the sights.

"Yep! Isn't it the best place in the world? I'm going to learn to be a _great_ witch who makes _everybody_ happy—just like Shiny Chariot!"

When Akko talked about Chariot, she seemed a little loopier than usual. This time, she broke into an impromptu ballet, skipping and twirling as she spoke. Before you could tell her to watch her step, she bumped into a black-haired, droopy-eyed girl who was standing in the middle of the path, talking to her redheaded friend. The two of them had visited Last Wednesday a couple of times; their names were Hannah England and Barbara Parker.

"Ew! Watch it, commoner!" Barbara said, making a big show of dusting off her uniform. "You'll get your gross non-magic all over me!"

"Hey, whuzzat you got over there?" said Hannah, pointing her finger at you. 

Barbara put her hands on her cheeks, feigning surprise. "Oh, poor Akko!" she cried. "Getting a head start on being a crazy old cat lady, are you? Did those silly friends of yours finally get fed up and leave?"

Akko crossed her arms and blushed. "N-No!" she protested. "This... is my new familiar! A-And it's going to help me unleash my full magical potential, thank you very much!"

"Uh, m-meow," you said.

Hannah turned to Barbara. "Betcha anything that's some hapless member of the service industry, transformed into a cat by one of Akko's famous goof-ups," she sniggered.

"Either way," said Barbara, "that cat is _way_ too cute to leave in the hands of a normie like you, Akko. I think we'll go ahead and keep it!"

With a devilish look in her eye, she crouched and tried to grab you. In response, you did what came naturally—arched your back, stuck your tail up, and hissed as loudly as you could. Barbara let out an "Eek!" and withdrew her hand immediately. Akko stifled a giggle.

"Pfft! Whatever!" Hannah said as she helped Barbara to her feet. "What good is a familiar to a so-called witch who can't even ride a broom?"

"Yeah! You're just going to embarrass yourself like you always do," Barbara added. "If I were you—and thankfully I'm not!—I'd sell that mangy thing and buy a one-way ticket home."

"Smell ya later, loser!"

Hannah and Barbara let out a shrill cackle and shouldered their way past you and Akko, making sure to bump into her as they went. Akko's book bag nearly flew off her shoulder.

"Well," you said with a smirk, "they certainly _laugh_ like witches. Am I right, Akko?"

"I guess," Akko said. The usual pep was gone from her voice. "Anyway, we'd better get going. The dormitories are this way."

  
  


The two of you made your way through the halls of Luna Nova. Because it was after hours, most of the students were at dinner or in the courtyard or out on the town, so the halls were quiet and mostly empty. Every now and again, you'd pass a blue-skinned goblin, who'd tip his cap to Akko as he scrubbed the windows or mopped the floors. Naturally, you wanted to stop and stare, but Akko was really hustling and you didn't want to be left behind.

"Say, Akko," you began, "is it true, what Hannah said? About you not being able to ride your broom, I mean?"

"S-So what if it is?" said a flustered Akko. "That doesn't mean I can't be a great witch. Einstein couldn't even talk until he was six, y'know!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound judgmental. If it makes you feel any better, I can't ride a broom either." Akko said nothing. "Anyway, don't sweat it. Everyone learns at their own pace. When you get the hang of it, I bet you'll be the best flyer in your class."

Akko looked at you and smiled. "Well, aren't you in a good mood all of a sudden!" she said. "What happened to the grumpy kitty from an hour ago, huh?"

You couldn't help smiling back. "What can I say? There's something really... _magical_ about this place. It kinda makes me feel like everything's going to be all right."

"That's the spirit!" Akko said. And with that, she spun on her heels and pushed open a door on her right. "We're here!"

The door opened into a quaint little dorm, lit by the waning orange light from a window on the far wall. On the left, there was a pair of bunk beds; on the right, there was a single. There was a desk beneath the window, full of the sorts of witchy doodads you peddled at the magic shop: candles and cauldrons and crystal balls; potion-ready flasks and beakers. A girl with short orange hair and Coke-bottle glasses sat on one of the beds, her nose buried deep in a musty grimoire. You recognized her immediately.

"Oh! Hi, Akko," Lotte Jansson said warmly. "You're home a little late today. Were you studying with Professor Ursula?"

Akko gave a crooked grin. "Er, not exactly," she said. "Say, is Sucy anywhere nearby?"

Lotte put a finger to her chin. "I don't think so. I haven't seen her since dinnertime. I think she had an errand to run. Why, did you need her for something?"

"W-Well, actually..."

At that point, Lotte noticed the furry critter standing beside her friend. She slammed her book shut and leapt to her feet, her eyes sparkling with delight. "Omigosh, who is this?" she cried. "Akko! You brought home a new friend for us, didn't you? You sweetie!"

She knelt beside you and started gently scratching your ears. It felt kinda nice, but you didn't want to dilly-dally. "Hey Lotte," you said. "How's that Stain-B-Gone you picked up the other day? Did it get the manticore snot off your uniform?"

Lotte blinked at you in silence a couple times, then stood up and looked at Akko. "Akko, this is bad. This is really, really bad."

"Oh, d-don't exaggerate!" Akko said with a nervous giggle. "I bet little accidents like this happen to witches our age all the time. We only need Sucy to cook up an antidote and voila, everything is back to normal! Right?"

"You'd better hope so," said Lotte. "Otherwise, Headmistress Holbrooke is going to have your hide."

"Come on, Lotte, there's no need to say gross things like that!" said Akko, waving her away. "Just sit tight—we'll go find Sucy and sort out this whole mess."

Akko spun around and started to dash out the door, but Lotte quickly grabbed her by the back of her shirt. "Oh no you don't!" she exclaimed. "Sorry, Akko, but I think you've done enough for one day. _I'll_ go find Sucy; _you'll_ stay right here and look after our guest."

Before she took off, Lotte turned to you. "Um, I'm sorry if I was a little too familiar earlier. Please make yourself at home and keep an eye on Akko for me, okay? I promise I'll be back soon!"

  
  


Akko flopped onto her bed—the bottom bunk—and started kicking off her shoes. "Looks like it's you and me until my friends get back," she said. "Wanna see my trading card collection?"

"Hold up," you said, sitting at the foot of her bed. "What's this about fetching Sucy? I thought you said you were taking me to see an expert potion maker."

"Sucy _is_ an expert potion maker!" Akko replied. "You wouldn't believe the magic she can wring out of a strain of fungus."

"But she's just a student, like you!" you protested. "Don't you think my little condition calls for help from a professional? I'm hacking up furballs here!"

Akko relaxed on her bed. "Don't fret so much," she said. "You'll be human again in no time, I guarantee it! Until then, why don't you try to enjoy being a cat? You must have wondered what it's like to be an animal at some point, right?"

You looked away, ears drooping. "Yeah, well, back then it was just make-believe. I didn't actually have to give up my thumbs."

Akko laughed. She scooted sideways in bed and patted the space beside her.

Oh no, you thought; there's no way you're letting her get so chummy after the pickle she put you in. But then you remembered how nice it felt to have Lotte scratch your ears and your kitty senses betrayed you. Before you knew it, you'd jumped onto Akko's bed and were curling up beside her. She started stroking your back, which (to your dismay) was immensely comforting.

"I have a cat back home," she said with a smile, "so you know you're in good hands."

"Humph. Whatever," you purred.

You and Akko chatted about silly nonsense until there was a knock at the door and Lotte returned, red-faced and panting. "Sorry I'm late!" she said. "I had to run all around the school, but I found Sucy for you!"

Akko sprang out of bed, nearly launching you off, as Sucy Manbavaran slipped into the room and eyed the two of you dispassionately. "Oh! Sucy! I'm so glad you're here! My friend and I need your help fast," Akko said.

"What seems to be the problem?" Sucy droned.

You jumped off the bed and padded up to Sucy. "Hi, Sucy. It's me. The clerk from Last Wednesday, remember? Akko and I had a little mishap this afternoon and I find myself trapped in the body of a small domestic feline," you explained.

Sucy looked at you but said nothing.

"We're hoping you'll know what to do about that," you added.

Sucy glanced back at Lotte, a disgruntled expression on her face. Lotte grinned coyly and shrugged.

"Er, Akko tells me you can brew a mean potion," you tried. "An antidote, maybe?"

Sucy pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a long, exasperated sigh. "Fine."

"Hooray!" shouted Akko, clapping her hands and jumping up and down. "Y'see? I told you there's nothing to worry about!"

Sucy crouched beside you and gently pulled down one of your eyelids, then the other. She took her wand out of the folds of her cloak and gave it a little wave, causing a dim green light to appear at the tip. "Open your mouth and say ahhh," she commanded. You did, and she shone the light down your throat. Two thin beams of it came out of your ears.

"Oh, dear," said Lotte.

Sucy withdrew her wand and rubbed her chin as she stared at you, pensive. "Hmm," she said. "Tricky."

"Well?" Akko said. "Can you fix it?"

Sucy stood up and cracked her neck loudly. "Of _course_ I can fix it."

You let out a long sigh of relief. "Sucy, I'm sorry to trouble you, but I really can't thank you enough for this," you said. You briefly considered rubbing yourself affectionately on her shins, but figured she wouldn't appreciate it.

"Don't thank me just yet," Sucy said.

She pulled something out from under her bed, something that made your fur stand on end. You'd sold it to her at Last Wednesday not too long ago. It was a black metal box covered in bright orange biohazard stickers. It was _the real shit._

"Okay, yeah, there's a zero percent chance that stuff is going in my body," you said.

"You'd better start getting used to the idea," Sucy said passionlessly as she sat at the desk and started to pick out her beakers and test tubes. She picked one up, squinted at it, flicked it gently with her finger, blowed into it, and then put it back and chose another. "Nothing else will do the trick."

She then popped open the black metal box and extracted a handful of exceptionally foul-looking mushrooms. A horrible sour odor filled the room, and you, Akko, and Lotte soon found yourselves retching and gagging. Sucy, on the other hand, inhaled deeply and let out an ecstatic moan. She started to grind up the mushrooms and squeeze their juices into a beaker.

"Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick," groaned a green-faced Lotte. "Is this going to take much longer?"

A sadistic grin crept across Sucy's face. "Not at all," she said. "If my calculations are correct—and they most certainly are—the antidote should be ready in just about a week."

"A week? Are you joking? I can't wait that long!" you exclaimed. If you'd still had your thumbs, you would've grabbed Sucy by the lapels and given her a good shaking. "I've seen witches transform into animals and back again in the blink of an eye; can't you do something like that for me?"

" _Witches_ can do that stuff," Lotte explained. "When it comes to transforming a non-magical person... Well, it's a little more complicated than that."

"So what am I supposed to do?" you cried. "I can't go home like this, can I? I mean, my keys were in my pocket, but where did my clothes go? Are they a part of me? What am I supposed to eat? Where am I even going to stay? And furthermore—"

You felt a gentle hand stroke your back. Akko had started petting you again, and you felt yourself start to relax. "You can stay right here," she said. "There's plenty of room, and I can make you a bed out of bunched-up blankets."

"You can't make such a big decision by yourself, Akko!" Lotte said. "Don't Sucy and I get a say in the matter? It's our dorm too!"

"Aw, don't be that way, Lotte! Just look at that cute, fuzzy face!" Akko said. She scooped you up off the floor, perhaps a little too roughly, and held you inches from Lotte's nose.

"Please don't kick me out, Lotte," you said, putting on the cutest face you could muster. "I'm told there are stray dogs out there."

Lotte's lip started to quiver as she looked into your big yellow eyes. The cuteness, it seemed, was just too much for her. She sighed. "What do you think, Sucy?"

"Hmm?" muttered Sucy, turning away from her mixture, which had taken on a revolting pea-green color and seemed to shift about in its beaker. "Oh, I don't care. Just as long as it doesn't touch any of my stuff."

"Sucy, you have the hospitality of a saint," you said.

"It's settled, then!" Akko said happily. She lifted you up and spun you around, beaming at you all the while. "For the next seven days, we have a new roomie!"

Lotte shrugged. "I guess it's only fair," she said. "It _is_ Akko's fault you're stuck like this, after all. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to make things easier on you, okay?"

"Thanks, Lotte," you managed to say when Akko put you back on the floor and your head finally stopped spinning. "I know this isn't ideal, but I promise I'll be the perfect roommate. Just _please_ don't drag your feet when it comes to that antidote."

Suddenly, your stomach rumbled. You grinned sheepishly. "Er, on that last point," you said, "could one of you please fetch me something to eat? I haven't had a bite since morning."

"I suppose I can check to see if the lunchroom's still open," Lotte said. "Any requests?"

"Fish, please," you said. "I'm craving some fish. The gold kind, if they have it. Or a nice canary. Really, any meat will do, since I'm an obligate carnivore and all that."

Sucy smiled a pointy-toothed smile. "How about a rat?" she chimed in. "A nice, plump, mangy rat?"

Your stomach growled again. "Only if they're out of fish and canaries," you said.

  
  


Lotte delivered the goods ("Chicken dumplings okay?"), and Akko folded up some spare blankets for you and put them on the chair. It was decided that when Sucy had finished working for the night, that chair would belong to you. You jumped into it and curled up. It was surprisingly comfortable.

"So you're really gonna rock that sleeping cap, are you, Sucy?" you teased. It was bedtime, and Sucy was lying comfortably in bed, reading an ominous-looking tome with a skull on the cover. "You look like you're waiting for three ghosts to come teach you a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas."

"Ooh, that sounds awesome," Sucy said. She made that ecstatic face again. You decided not to press the issue further.

"Seriously, though," you added. "Thanks for cooking up that potion for me on such short notice. Tell you what, when I'm human again, I'll buy you a pizza with extra mushrooms."

"Can I have some too?" Akko chirped excitedly. She was lying on the bottom bunk, reading something too (in her case, a comic book).

"Didn't you get me into this pickle in the first place?" you said. "Pretty cheeky of you, Akko, turning me into a cat and then asking for pizza."

"Come ooon! I looove pizza!" Akko begged.

"Well, okay," you said, "if you behave yourself. But yours'll have anchovies." Akko puffed out her cheeks.

From the top bunk, you heard Lotte yawn. "All right, guys, that's enough chitchat. We've gotta get up bright and early to make it to class on time."

"So while you guys are doing that, what should I do?" you asked.

"You can explore the grounds!" Akko said. "Luna Nova is the most wonderful place in the world—there's plenty of great stuff to see and do!"

"Just remember to keep quiet," Lotte warned. "If anyone finds out about our situation, we'll be in trouble for sure."

"Of course," you said. "Never fear, ladies. I know how to be discreet."

"Good!" said Akko. Now she let out a deep yawn. "Lotte's right, though. It's time for bed. G'night, guys! See you all in dreamland!"

"Just a heads-up, though," Sucy said to you. "Akko farts in her sleep."

"I do not!" Akko protested.

  
  


Minutes later, the lights were off, and the girls were snoring softly in their beds. On the table beside you, Sucy's potion simmered; she'd left it on something like a magical Bunsen burner that gave off a dull blue-green flame, insisting it would hasten the process. The curtains fluttered slightly; there was a gentle autumn breeze.

You couldn't sleep, though. You had way too much on your mind, and besides, cats are nocturnal. You felt the urge to burn off your worries like calories. The rustling grass on the school grounds outside were calling to you; you wanted nothing more than to jump out the window, land on your feet many stories below, and find some small critter to chase around.

You didn't do that either. Instead you curled up even tighter, shut your eyes, and tried to relax. In just seven short days, you'd be back on two feet. Working for scraps at the magic shop. Fine time you'd picked to learn the value of money.

Suddenly, there was a fart.


End file.
